missing


... it had never happened ... it could have happened in any one of the other times over the past thirty-three years ... a simple exercise ... face your partner ... one closes their eyes, raises arms & the other gently grabs hold of the wrists ... gently guide your partner ... backwards, forwards, around ... always demonstrated with a volunteer so others could observe ... had taken the class outside to the open field behind the education building just a hop & a skip away from the river ... it was a spring morning & I loved being outside ... we had finished the direction meditation followed by the blind running ... now the partner guide ...

... a large framed male volunteered ... after guiding him we switched ... he took hold of my wrists ... after a few seconds I was spinning around out of control ... could barely hang on ... asked him to slow down and he started to push me backward faster and faster ... I fell head slamming to the ground ... heard the whole class shout a huge "OH" then vaguely remember looking up with him standing over me questioning whether I was alright ... "Sure," I replied jumping up ...

... that was my last memory for the next thirty minutes or so ... next remember sitting in the stone canoe at the Sculpture park sharing the story of the way of the actor ... class dismissed ... a student came and handed me my keys and iphone ... didn't remember how we got to the sculpture park ...

... drove to my next teaching station all the while struggled to recollect what had happened ... taught two classes the rest of the afternoon with a slight headache ...

... grappled the entire evening to recall how the class had continued ... the next morning before class there was a student alone waiting in the hallway ... he comes early ... inquired what he remembered about the class after my fall ... he described the exercises ... class had gone as planned ... good - others could observe and bare witness to my missing memory ...

... it seems I had continued class with body memory taking over ... that half hour is gone ... no memory & I can't let it go ... in fact I obsessively look into that missing hole of time ... there is something exciting about that black hole ... I had obviously continued without consciousness ...

... the missing memory is like a tiny sliver ... it irritates ... it's there under the skin ... I can't see it ... no matter how much I dig it doesn't come out ... with a sliver I can wait it out & eventually, it emerges sometimes after a lot of squeezing ...

... things are real & not real ... they exist & they do not exist ... they can be remade in my mind with every new thought, every remembered detail & each time they are slightly different ... sometimes things are camouflage or disguises ... sometimes they are more truthful ... living in a kind of continuous dream till awakening because of some pinprick event that disturbs the edges of what is taken as reality ...

 ::Note:: ...  nothing to note ... just moments after posting found this: "they told him to write his way through the problem" ...

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