if . . .

... these days i struggle  ... increasing absence of mind, slowness of recall and inability to remember names... ... visit my grandson who turned seven months old yesterday ... every time we meet his penetrating gaze gives me the impression he needs time to recognize me ... the same day i visit my ninety-three-year-old mother whose conversation circles around in a state of confusion repeating events over & over ... am not sure what she thinks ... can call me by name but i have the impression she needs time to reorganize who we are ... ... in conversations, i stutter ... often because as i start to speak there is so much complexity to what i am about to say i have to stop ... i begin to articulate some point & at the same moment realize another point could also be made & another context is required & i stutter to a stop ... when ... feels like ... copy & paste ... " the penumbra of the eventual personal extinction beginning to extend itself over my bein...

... this morning a bag of shoes were left at the door ... first, a butcher knife now shoes ... both unsettling ... are they connected? ... at least the bag was easier to handle ... place it next to the trash ... things will proceed as usual ... the bag will disappear ... more precisely the two pairs of used runners will move to a new place ... that's the way around here - place anything of any value outside in the front or back or side & within a day it disappears ... except ... ... the purse a few months ago ... that had to be dealt with ... a wallet inside with credit cards, health card, drivers licence, pictures ... no money ... even an iPhone, energy bills, correspondence, make-up, pens, pills, candy ... the purse looked more like a travel bag ... couldn't locate a phone number ... phone was dead ... ... drove to the address ... you see i once found a wallet on the street and went to the police to drop it off ... four months later received a thank you note from ...