Monday, April 30, 2018

it will pass


... these days i struggle  ... increasing absence of mind, slowness of recall and inability to remember names...

... visit my grandson who turned seven months old yesterday ... every time we meet his penetrating gaze gives me the impression he needs time to recognize me ... the same day i visit my ninety-three-year-old mother whose conversation circles around in a state of confusion repeating events over & over ... am not sure what she thinks ... can call me by name but i have the impression she needs time to reorganize who we are ...

... in conversations, i stutter ... often because as i start to speak there is so much complexity to what i am about to say i have to stop ... i begin to articulate some point & at the same moment realize another point could also be made & another context is required & i stutter to a stop ... when ... feels like ... copy & paste ... "the penumbra of the eventual personal extinction beginning to extend itself over my being" ...

... used to take pictures of the trees outside the temple ... every spring, summer, fall & even winter ... have loved them dearly ... four days ago took a picture of the tree shadow ... took it unconsciously ... staring at the image have the impression of needing time to acknowledge the light behind ...

... shadows are an ancient basic instrument that helps with a single drama ... the drama of our existence ... helping us find the way to the source ... i used to believe my work in education of the imagination was that tool ... maybe i still believe ... i struggle ... oh the unashamed melodrama redeemed by a haunting that exerts a primal sympathy ...

... shadows are (from) the ... they open possibilities that things may be different ... desolation tries to colonize me ... certain kinds of connection so deep that when they are broken you feel the snap of the link inside you ... to follow the meaning was to follow a trail of deception ... shadows are demons not intelligence tools causing a loss of relationship with reality so we don't know what we do ... shadows are nourishment forging bonds that reinvigorate connectivity ... start again ...

::Note:: ... it will pass ...